Maintaining a happy relationship - |Love, Sex & Relationship|

GOOD-READ!

Dating can be a great way to have fun and learn a lot about yourself and another person. Healthy relationships are those that are partnerships, in which you can laugh, feel safe and supported, share ideas and feelings, and respect another person, as well as feel respected yourself.

Every relationship is unique, and you might have your own way of knowing that a relationship is right for you. Even when a relationship is going well, it’s important to work at it and not take it, or your partner, for granted. The best way to keep a relationship strong, healthy and growing is for you to be aware of your needs and expectations and communicate those with your partner.

Here are some more suggestions for how you can keep your relationship strong:

Be honest and trusting:
Learning to trust and be honest with someone you just started dating can take time, but honesty and trust are two important ingredients in a healthy relationship. As you spend more time with someone and start to share experiences together, your level of trust may increase.

Keep communicating:
It’s a good idea to keep the lines of communication open between you and the person you’re dating. This might mean talking regularly about what’s happening in your lives and how you’re feeling about life in general. When people share their opinions and feelings, they develop a greater understanding of each other’s likes and dislikes. It’s also a good idea to talk about your relationship every once in a while, including your expectations.

Accept your differences:
It isn’t unusual to care about someone who has different ideas, interests, and opinions to your own. These differences are what make relationships exciting! But sometimes it can be difficult to manage these differences. It might be helpful to calmly discuss those differences or agree to disagree. By accepting someone’s values and opinions, you might encourage him or her to respect yours as well, and respect is an important aspect of any relationship.

Voice your opinions and frustrations:
It’s natural that people sometimes argue or have differences of opinion. Disagreements might leave you feeling angry or frustrated with yourself and your partner, but it’s important that you let the person you’re dating know about your opinions and frustrations. It’s a good idea to express your opinions, but remember to listen to the other person as well.

Respect each other’s time and space:
Hanging out with your partner can be a lot of fun and a great way to get to know him or her. But it’s also important that you respect your partner’s space-physically and emotionally, and that your partner does the same for you.

Maintain the relationships that you have with your friends and family, expand your interest, and keep up with the activities that you were involved in before you started your relationship. This can help your relationships continue to grow and be fun and interesting.

Spend time with yourself:
Having alone time can be fun and an important way to keep yourself healthy and happy. It can also help you understand yourself and your relationships with others. Spend time getting to know you. You might want to start by doing something you really enjoy, like going for a run, listening to music or reading.

Ending a relationship:
Unfortunately, sometimes relationships turn sour, no matter how hard you work at them. If you’re in a situation where your relationship isn’t a positive factor in your life, it’s a good idea to end it. It’s especially important to end your relationship if you’re in a situation where you’re being hurt or abused by someone. If you’re not sure how to leave your partner, talk to someone you trust, like a friend, family member, counselor or social worker.

Five Secrets for Successful Relationships - |Love, Sex & Relationship|

-Simple Tools to un-complicate lives:

 Recognize, understand, and accept that we are dramatically different in incalculable ways. We are constantly judging each other by our own quite different standards. What may seem crystal clear to you probably is not to your partner.

 Find out what makes that person in your life feel special or loved. Open a love bank account and start making deposits of those things that make that person feel loved. You will receive the interest and dividends from the account.

 Transition from criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling to a ratio of five positive moments to each negative moment in your relationship. The love bank can be the accounting system for the five-to-one ratio. The one negative moment is just as important as the five. The short term misery will clear the air and add newness to the relationship.

 Know what you want. Condense it down to 15 seconds or less. Is this realistic for the person you are with? If not, go back to the beginning; present what you want to your mate. Have your partner repeat back what they heard. You might have to go back and forth a few times before it gets translated. Make adjustments where needed. Write the expectation down so there is no amnesia later.

 Plan evenings out and trips. Then, follow through and do them. If you don't plan, you won't go. It's not optional. For your own mental health, it's mandatory. Schedule them on a calendar. The anticipation before and the memories after are priceless. Go first class once in a while.

Take another look at this Tips - Before Letting Go; Things you Should/Must Know

Oftentimes letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We let go and walk away not because we want the universe to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

And that’s what this short article is all about – realizing your worth, and harnessing this realization to identify the negative ideas, habits, and people in your life that you need to let go of.  Here are some points to consider:

|READ THROUGH|
The past can steal your present if you let it:
– You can spend days, weeks, months, or even years sitting alone in the darkness, over-analyzing a situation from the past, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could have or should have happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor behind you and walk outside into the sunlight to get some fresh air.

Not everyone, and not everything, is meant to stay:
– There are things you don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things you don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people you can’t live without but have to let go. Some circumstances and people come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them.

Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them:
– Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles.  Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost.  Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.

Sometimes you just need to do your best and surrender the rest:
– Don’t be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment.  And that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.”  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do, even your mistakes.  Because even mistakes mean you’re trying.

You are in control of one person, and one person only; Yourself:
– There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your control.  Letting go in your relationships doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about people anymore; it’s simply realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa:
– Think for yourself, and allow others the privilege of doing so too.  We all dance to the beat of a different drum.  There are few absolute ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in the world.  You need to live your life your way – the way that’s right for you.

Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are:
– Always choose to be true to yourself, even at the risk of incurring ridicule from others, rather than being fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not.  When you are comfortable in your skin, not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s okay.  You could be the ripest, juiciest apple in the world, and there’s going to be someone out there who hates apples.

Relationships can only exist on a steady foundation of truth:
– When there is breakdown in a relationship, you must have the hard conversation.  It may not be pretty and it may not feel good.  But if you are willing to listen and tell the truth, it will open up.  When you build relationships based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phony, your relationships will heal, connect, and thrive.

The world changes when you change:
– Practice really seeing whatever it is you’re looking at.  You are today where your thoughts and perceptions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and perceptions take you.  If you truly want to change your life, you must first change your mind.  The world around you changes when you change.

You can make decisions, or you can make excuses:
– Life is a continuous exercise in creative problem solving. A mistake doesn’t become a failure until you refuse to correct it.  Thus, most long-term failures are the outcome of people who make excuses instead of decisions.

It usually takes just a few negative remarks to kill a person’s dream:
– Don’t kill people’s dreams with negative words, and don’t put up with those who do.  Don’t let people interrupt you and tell you that you can’t do something.  If you have a dream that you’re passionate about, you must protect it.  When others can’t do something themselves, they’re going to tell you that you can’t do it either; and that’s a lie.  These people are simply speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations.

Sometimes walking away is the only way to win:
– Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you.  In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This needless nonsense is not worth my time.”

A must Read: 7 Shortcuts You Will Regret Taking in Life

It shouldn’t be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It’s the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something’s difficult to come by, you’ll do that much more to make sure it’s even harder – or impossible – to lose.

GOOD READ:
There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going. There is no substitute for doing the work. Meditate on this every day: “I will do the work.”  As Einstein once said, “Genius is 1% talent and 99% effort.”  You must run to be a runner.  You must write to be a writer.  You must actively attend to your relationships if you want them to flourish.

By all means, find ways to be more efficient.  But make no mistake that it takes diligent effort to build something worthwhile.  There are certainly some success stories out there about people who excelled rather quickly, but you will usually find they had put in years of related work long before anyone was paying attention to their seemingly rapid success.  In other words, their current state of achievement is simply all those years of work coming together flawlessly in the present.

The most effective way to handle what must be done is to do it.  Put in the required labor.  Don’t sell yourself short by taking shortcuts like these:

1.  Taking the easiest route possible:
Someday you will look back on your life and realize that everything worthwhile you’ve ever accomplished initially challenged you.  And that is as it should be, because big challenges often prepare ordinary people for extraordinary success.

Every struggle arises for a reason – for experience or a lesson.  A great journey is never easy, and no dose of adversity along the way is ever a waste of time if you learn and grow from it.

Remember, an arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards, and such is life.  When life is pulling you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to eventually launch you forward in a positive direction.  So keep focusing, and keep aiming!

2.  Settling for the way things are by default:
The decision to settle for mediocrity is a real killer. If you settle for just anything, you’ll never know what you’re truly worthy of. There is ample time for you to be who you want to be. Despite the struggles that you might be facing, never give up on yourself. Don’t just take the easy way out and settle for less than what you know you are capable of.

Realize that it’s not always about trying to fix something that’s broken either.  Sometimes it’s about starting over and creating something new.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.  Sometimes growing stronger means growing apart from old habits, relationships, and situations, and finding something different that truly moves you – something that gets you so excited you can’t wait to get out of bed in the morning.  That’s what LIVING is all about.  Don’t settle.

3.  Leaving everything to chance:
It’s not what you do every once in a while, but what you dedicate yourself to on a daily basis that makes a difference in the end.  Having a plan, even a flawed one at first, is better than no plan at all.

Don’t trap yourself, endlessly, in a state where you are unable to ask for directions, even though you’re terribly lost, simply because you don’t know your destination.  Figure out what you want.  When you get real about the true feelings you crave, you end up surprising yourself with an abundance of new opportunities and possibilities.

Bottom line: One day your life will flash before your eyes. Do your best every day to make sure it’s worth watching. Work towards something that brings meaning to your moments.

4.  Following the crowd:
Allen Ginsberg once said, “Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.”  In other words, in this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to be your incredible self.

Never let what other people expect from you dictate what you expect from yourself.  Clarity about your true desires is so liberating because you get to stop proving yourself to everyone, including yourself.

We have all been placed on this earth to discover our own way, and we will never be happy if we live someone else’s idea of life. So stop being ashamed of how you feel. You have the right to feel any emotion that comes to you, and to follow a path that makes you happy. Don’t compare yourself to others, or get discouraged by the success of others.  Follow your intuition, never give up on yourself, and stop expecting others to understand your journey, especially if they have not walked your same path.

5.  Putting things off:
Be frank with yourself.  The things you say you will deal with later rarely get done.  It’s time to get up and make an immediate difference in your life.  You know all those things you’ve been meaning to get done for the past month, year, etc.?  Pick one right now and start doing it.  Get your hands dirty, challenge your mind, and get sweaty if you have to.  Break out of your comforting lull and get involved.  If you feel crummy, it’ll make you feel better.  If you already feel good, it will make you feel great.

Ultimately, you will not be judged by what you say; you will be judged by what you do.  Wake up each morning determined, so you can go to bed satisfied.  Have the courage and discipline today to do what is needed instead of simply what is convenient.  Or as Pablo Picasso once said, “Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.”

6.  Ignoring people instead of forgiving them:
Forgetting people who hurt you is your gift to them; forgiving people who hurt you is your gift to yourself.  Always forgive others, not because they necessarily deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace of mind.  We are all one, so when we forgive others we forgive ourselves, which is the first step in the healing process.  Without forgiveness, the potential for true happiness in your life is limited.

In addition, we often tell ourselves that we’re better off without some people in our lives, and while this can be true, you should also build forgiveness into your character.  Keep in mind that some relationships will temporarily split, only to come back together twice as strong as before.  Forgiveness alone makes this possible.

7.  Cutting too many corners with your important relationships:
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts even more is to love someone and never find the time to let them know how you feel.  There is no greater sadness than holding on to the loving words and deeds you never delivered to those you love.

The people you take for granted today may turn out to be the only ones you need tomorrow.  So make plenty of time for those who truly matter.  The best gift you can give them is the purity of your full attention.  Just be present with them and pay attention to the little things, because when you really miss someone, you miss the little things the most, like just laughing together.

Afterthoughts
The journey begins when we are born.  The destination is death.  So the journey is far superior to the destination.  Don’t sell yourself short!  Make your journey worthwhile every single day, because the distance we each get to travel is a mystery.

Getting where you want to go in life is not about finding a shortcut, it’s about putting in the required time and effort.  You have to set goals and fulfill your commitments, even when no one would notice but you, and know in your heart why doing so matters.

Your turn…
What would you add to this post?  When have you cut yourself short by trying to take a shortcut in life?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.

How to Say "I Love You" |Love, Sex & Relationship| Creative Ways to Say I Love You, and When to Say It

Our Guest Counselor: Holly Ashworth

READ THROUGH:
Dropping the L-bomb on someone can be a scary thing.
What's the best way to say "I love you" - or is saying it even the right move for you?  Get "I love you" advice for every scenario, whether it's your first time saying it or your ten millionth time.

If No One's Said it Yet
If you're in a relationship and you feel like you're in love - even though neither of you have used the L-word yet - then it's time to put your feelings on the line.   Plan for an intimate moment when you're alone with each other.  Look into your sweetie's eyes and softly, sweetly say the magic words.  If you hear them back, lucky you!

If they don't say "I love you, too," it's still okay.  You're better off revealing your feelings than hiding them and getting hurt down the line.  Besides, just because someone doesn't love you right this instant doesn't mean they won't feel it later on.

If You're Too Shy to Say It
If you feel too shy to come right out and say "I love you" to your boyfriend or girlfriend's face, that's okay.  Wait till you're alone with each other, and after a soft, slow kiss, whisper it in their ear.  You can also write it in note and slip it into their backpack or locker.

But I strongly recommend saying it out loud, to their face.  Everyone gets a little nervous saying "I love you" for the first time - it comes with the territory.  And hopefully, you'll be rewarded for all those butterflies in your stomach when they say the words back to you.

If They've Already Said it to You
If they've already told you they love you and you feel the same way, let them know right away.  If you can, say it right after they do.  If that's already passed, then tell them the next time you're beside them with no one else around.

Say, "I want you to know that I love you, too.  I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner - I just wanted to wait until ____."  Fill in the blank with whatever fits your situation:  "...the time was right;" "...I was sure I felt it too;"  "...I could finally say it out loud without peeing my pants out of nervousness."  (You get the point.)

If You've Both Already Said It a Bunch
After a while, those three magic words can begin to sound like a cliché.  Try out a couple of these creative ways to say I love you:

Write them a short, silly love poem.
Draw an "I love you" cartoon and hide it somewhere you know they'll find it.
Spell it out in SpaghettiO's and take a picture.
Give them a massage and spell it out on their back, letter by letter.
Dedicate a song to them on the radio and make sure they tune in to listen.
Give them a list of 10 specific things you love about them (or even more, if you can come up with them).
But don't underestimate the importance of just plain old saying the words.  Sometimes there's nothing better to hear than "I love you" whispered in your ear.

If You're Not in a Relationship
If you feel like you're in love with someone you're not dating - like your crush, or your best friend - then don't come out and say, "I love you."  Those are big words that might end up scaring the person away.  Instead, let them know your feelings in subtler ways by flirting with them, or take the plunge and ask them out.  Save the real lovey-dovey stuff till after you've gotten to know each other better.

If You're Not Sure if You Love Them
If you're not sure if you're really in love, then don't ever say "I love you."  Instead, say something like, "I really like spending time with you, but I'm not ready to call it love yet.  Maybe it'll turn into love one day, though."  But lying and saying "I love you" now will hurt them down the road - even more than if you tell them the truth.

Making Decisions - |Love, Sex & Relationship|

Guest Counselor: Pastor Taiwo Odubiyi

“Many people make wrong decisions in their relationships or choose people who are obviously wrong for them.

One of the reasons for this is their upbringing or the experiences they had while growing up. Your experiences can influence the way you think while the way you think can influence what you do and the decisions you make.” The pastor said.

Misan nodded, listening carefully to the woman.

The pastor went on, “People don’t link their decisions and choices to their experiences or upbringing because they don’t realize they can affect their decisions and choices positively or negatively. And sadly, a person will continue in that way, making wrong decisions and choices unless something happens to terminate the habit. For example, a girl who has been introduced to sex at an early age may end up believing that what happened to her is normal and she may grow up sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Why? She has been influenced by her upbringing and experience. Or worse still, a person who feels there is no love at home may go out to look for love in the wrong places, where there is no true love.”

This statement made Misan sit up straight. This was what happened to her.

“This is also because of the upbringing and experience. Where a person has been making wrong decisions as a result of upbringing and experience, that person will have to sit down, think, and regain control of his or her life by making a conscious effort to stop the negative spirit and terminate the habit.” The pastor concluded.

Is Love at First Sight a Real Thing? |Love, Sex & Relationship| - The Debate Over Love at First Sight

Guest Counselor: Holly Ashworth

Listen to enough pop songs and watch enough romantic movies, and you're bound to start believing that love at first sight happens all the time. But does it exist in the real world, between real people?

Like so much about love, the question of love at first sight can't be answered objectively. But I'll do my best to answer it here in the most helpful way.

Is Your Mind Playing Tricks on You?
Have you ever seen someone and instantly felt attracted to every part of them, including their personality (even though you haven't even talked to them yet)? You might be quick to call it love at first sight, but it's probably what psychologists call the attractiveness halo effect. When you see someone who looks great, your brain sometimes jumps to the conclusion that their personality must be great, too.

We all know that not everyone's looks and personalities match up. Some attractive people are total jerks, and some of the best people in the world aren't what you'd necessarily think of as hot. So the halo effect is really just an illusion. Your sudden feelings of love might go away as soon as you get to know the person better.

Love: More than Just Looks
Everyone's got a different take on what love is, but few people believe that's made out of stuff you can find just by looking at someone. Love (at least if you ask me) is made up of compromise, empathy and patience. You can't give or get those sorts of things at first sight.

That doesn't mean that your initial feelings can't turn into love. When you first see someone, you might instantly know that you want to get close to them and learn about them. As your relationship progresses, those feelings might eventually grow into love. But is "love" really the word for your gut reaction? Not unless your definition of love is kinda superficial.

When Couples "Just Know"
You might meet couples who say that when they saw each other for the first time, they "just knew." What did they really know? Probably that they liked how the other person looked and acted, and that they wanted to take things to the next step and get to know each other better.

If they want to call it "love at first sight," that's okay by me. But keep in mind that there are lots of other couples who get the same feeling when they meet each other, and it ends badly or doesn't go anywhere at all. It's not the first glance that makes it love. It's the stuff that comes later - the commitment and caring that makes a relationship last.

The Danger of Believing Too Strongly in Love at First Sight
You might be wondering why I'm giving love at first sight such a bad rap. It's not that I don't think the idea is sweet, or that I don't love me some romantic movies. (My favorite love at first sight scene's got to be this one from Romeo and Juliet.)

But it's wrong to think that if you don't have intense feelings right away, it could never be love. Some of the best and strongest relationships started out in totally unromantic ways.

More importantly, though, the halo effect can be dangerous. If you see someone hot and assume that what you feel is love, you'll overlook qualities in them that could end up hurting you. You might let them get away with abusive behavior because your heart has taken over your better judgment.

So What's the Answer?
Whether or not you want to believe in love at first sight is up to you. Just don't go out there expecting to find it and get upset when you don't.

And when you meet someone you instantly swoon over, be aware that there's a whole lot about them you haven't seen yet - including some stuff that might not be so deserving of your love.

A new one for today.. |Love, Sex & Relationship| - How to make a good choice

Our Guest counsellor: Pastor Taiwo Odubiyi
 email: info@pastortaiwoodubiyi.org.uk

GOOD READ:

“There’s no doubt in my heart that we’re meant for each other.” Ben took her hand. “I’ve not stopped loving you. I still care about you very much.” He stopped and looked into her eyes. “Do you still love me?”

Tolu nodded, “Yes … but I will still need to pray.”

“That’s okay. I will wait for you. I am sure of my feelings though. You’re all I want in a woman – you’re beautiful, gentle, caring and above all, God-fearing. I now know why I’ve not been married.  A part of me was waiting for you, waiting for you to come back. You are the bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.” He paused for effect…

Tolu smiled back. “I’m happy, Ben. I love you too but as I said, I will need to pray. I can’t give you my answer now.”…

While praying, Tolu asked herself, ‘Am I ready to accept Ben as my husband? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Are we compatible spiritually? Does he really love me? Is he a man who can keep to one woman?

Searching for answers from deep within her, she asked God to help her make the right choice…

(Excerpts from the novel – In Love For Us)

We are always faced with choices. Everyday we make decisions on what to eat, what to wear, where to go, what to do about our jobs, relationships, business pursuits etc. Our choices ultimately affect our lives. We are products of our choices, both the wrong and the right. Another thing we need to know is that our choices go a long way in revealing our true character.

God expects us as we make decisions daily to honour Him. 1Corinthians 10:31 tells us to do all things to the glory of God.  Our decisions must be in line with God’s word. To be honest with you, there will be times when it may not seem so easy to make a good choice, but then, we must make the good choice because it is the right thing to do. When we obey God, He blesses us. We should walk by faith and not by sight.

Choosing a life partner

Only God knows the heart and the end of a matter from the beginning. We know only of yesterday and now. It is best that we go to the One who knows even tomorrow, and indeed, all things!

The Bible makes us to understand that there is a way that seems right to a man but its end is the way of death.  Choosing the wrong person could be very costly. It could affect the decision-maker’s life, destiny and family, therefore, the process leading to the choice of a partner must be taken seriously. Marriage is a life-long contract, therefore in choosing a life partner, you must ask yourself, ‘Is this person worth spending the rest of my life with?’

For singles, one of the things that will help you in choosing the right person and honouring God is to know your purpose in life. When I had to choose whom to marry, I knew it had to be someone who knew my calling and accepted it. I already knew what my purpose was and realised I couldn’t marry just anybody. It must be a man who loved God. If I hadn’t known my calling, I would have ended up marrying just anyone.

In Love on the Pulpit, Teni asked Dave, “Will it be alright to ask what it is you’re looking for in a woman?”

And he answered, “Simply put, maturity and stability, in all ways spiritually, emotionally and physically. She must also understand my calling and accept it.”

You also need to have knowledge of who the right person is, and where to find him or her. You can get a wrong person at the right place but you cannot get the right person at the wrong place!

Making a good choice

A precondition for making the right choice is to know what God expects from us in every circumstance. We would have many challenges but when we make right choices that are God-inspired, we make our sojourn on earth sweatless as we become less prone to mistakes. And as a bachelor or spinster, to choose a good person to marry, you must know how to choose right in other areas of life.

“I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live;

That you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.” (Deuteronomy 30:19,20)

“A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, loving favor rather than silver and gold.” (Proverbs 22:1)

Therefore, make good choices, knowing that today’s choices determine tomorrow’s consequences and positions in life.

Choose to love God.

Choose to surrender your fears and worries to God.

Choose to give up bad habits.

Choose to trust God.

Choose to speak the truth.

Choose to do the right thing.

Choose to forgive.

Choose good friends and companions.

Choose to walk in love.

Choose to be a giver.

Choose heaven and not hell.



The choice is yours.

A must read Article.. |Love, Sex & Relationship| - How to get over your past (and past your hurt)

Our Guest Counselor: Mort Fertel, (Founder of Marriage Fitness)
|For the Married and 'Would-be married' ladies and gents|

-Happy Reading-

Has your spouse neglected you? Rejected you? Hurt you?

Are you struggling to get over the pain of an affair?

If your marriage is in trouble, the chances are good that you need to put some hurt behind you.

It's one of the most common questions I get. "Mort, I want to make my marriage work. But how do I get over the past?"

Here's the key.

The first step is to realize what you're REALLY trying to accomplish. What does it REALLY mean to get over the past?

You can't change what happened. There's no time machine that can send you back to relive the past. What's done is done.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your situation is hopeless. What I'm saying is that you first have to be clear about what you can and cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as I'll explain). But you canNOT change events that already occurred.

The good news though, is that you don't have to change the past in order to get over it. What you have to change is the MEANING of the past.

Think for a moment! Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, "Why is this happening to me?" But then a few years later you looked back and you could answer that question. In retrospect, you understood why it happened. At first, it seemed like the world was caving in. Later, it all made sense.

In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of a process that leads to something good!

It's the events that FOLLOW bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. In other words, it's your future that determines your past; not the other way around. And since YOU are in charge of your future, then YOU determine the meaning of your past.

It's interesting to think about this in the context of an age-old question: Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? The answer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice.

It's like when you play a card game. You get dealt a hand. And you have no control over the cards you get

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Guess what we have here.. |Love, Sex & Relationship| - How to make the right choice ??

Our Guest Counselor: Mort Fertel, (Founder of Marriage Fitness)
|For the Married and 'Would-be married' ladies and gents|

-Happy Reading-

Were your mom and dad happily married? Is your marriage like theirs?

If you're having marriage problems, the chances are good that your parents struggled in their marriage too. Research shows that if your parents divorced, then your marriage is more likely to end in divorce as well.

The impact that heredity and upbringing has on a person's fate. We learn "tapes" early-on that we play again and again oblivious to how they control (and destroy) our lives. But does that mean the destiny of your marriage was determined years ago? Does that mean your fate was sealed by your genes and your childhood?

There is no doubt that you have deeply rooted relationship instincts. But those instincts do NOT have you.

Your past constantly vies for control of your future, but at the end of the day YOU have a CHOICE. Your domain is this moment, and every moment, when you can DECIDE to write a new script. At any time, in every time, you can decide to be the master of your destiny; rather than a victim to your past.

This, by the way, is the real value in understanding your past and your childhood roots. So that you can consciously REJECT what you know doesn't work and replace old habits with new ways.

This, of course, is no simple task. Not only because it's hard to break old habits and learn new ways, but also because most people are more comfortable doing what's familiar yet destructive rather than what's constructive but unfamiliar. In other words, most people are happier doing what they know doesn't work than they are working on something that they don't know.

But that's what it takes to be a "transition person." A transition person is someone who breaks free from unhealthy relationship patterns that have been in their family for generations.

You are by no means a product solely of your heredity or environment.
There is a third element: YOUR DECISION. And that trumps ALL past events.

By the way, this, in my opinion, is the real meaning of marriage education... educating someone to acquire the ability to CHOOSE their behavior.

A successful marriage is not something that just happens; you have to craft it. It's a result of deliberate and conscious decisions to make a new way in your relationship.

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#hope this Article blessed you?