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An Undefined Role:
Julie says that she and her fiancé, Norm, argue violently in front of her children because of his lying, leaving Norm feeling like a failure as a man and questioning his role.
Norm left two children and a 15-year marriage to be with his fiancé Julie and her two children. But their volatile
relationship has Norm feeling that he's failed as a man.
Julie: Norm lies constantly. We fight a lot because he's very controlling ... Being in a relationship with him makes me feel like I'm in a prison and he's the warden.
Norm: Julie is unemployed. I pay all the bills. The cars and house are in my name. She carries credit cards that she has never made a payment on ... I've adequately provided for this family. I'm the only father figure her children have ever known.
Norm admits that he frequently argues with Julie and that the fights turn violent, often in front of the children.
Dr. Phil: You were here while I was talking with David. What kind of report card do you give yourself at this point?
Norm: I'd like to be optimistic and say I deserve a D minus, but I'm probably failing.
Dr. Phil: I read everything you said and the thing that stuck out to me the most was when you said, "I have all the qualities Julie is looking for." I made a list of the descriptors she said and you verified: You lie, have been violent with her physically, have abandoned her, and you belittle her. And you do it all in front of the children. I found that inconsistent with you saying that you have all the qualities she is looking for. What do you say?
Norm: I say the qualities are there. I just haven't learned how to tap them properly yet.
Dr. Phil: I'm trying to get across to the men here that the most important relationship you have is with you ... How are you
getting along with you?
Norm: I'm not.
When Dr. Phil asks Norm what he sees when he looks in the mirror after having a physical fight with Julie, Norm says he sees a man who has a lot of growing up to do in order to be the man he wants to be. He admits that his need to have total control has damaged his relationship with Julie.
Dr. Phil: I think one of the biggest myths in life is this myth of control. I don't think we control much ... Are you truly so arrogant as to believe that you can control Julie? Based on results, how's that working for you?
Norm: Not very well.
Dr. Phil: I haven't met Julie, but I've met Robin. And there's nobody who controls her but her. What you can do is inspire your partner to go in a certain direction if you're careful.
Dr. Phil: You left your wife and those children to be with Julie. So this was a relationship born of infidelity?
Norm: Yes.
Dr. Phil: Do you feel guilty about that?
Norm: Every day of my life.
Dr. Phil: That contaminates where you are now. You drag that guilt with you every single day. You say you have to lie because Julie will go off the deep end and get bent out of shape if you don't. Do you know that if you leave here today and do some of the things we saw you do on tape, you are sealing the fate of your relationship?
Dr. Phil asks to speak with Julie, who is backstage. She confirms that her fights with Norm have become violent and sometimes occur in front of the children.
Dr. Phil: Let me tell you both, that's not OK. You don't have the right to do this in front of the children. Norm, if you're going to be the provider in all areas, being the protector of self-esteem and safety, the leader and teacher, then you will make a life decision to change this right now. And if that means that you two aren't going to be together anymore, then you need to not to be together anymore. It's that simple ...
Julie, if he raises his hand and hits you, that is a drop-dead deal breaker. And I don't mean after five times or three times, I mean that is a drop-dead deal breaker. If you have any shred of dignity and concern for your children, if he hits you one more time, you will be gone. Could I be any more clear?
Jamie: No.
Dr. Phil [to Norm]: You have to stop that behavior and stop it now. If you can stop it by yourself, then do it. If you can't, get help. If you can't stop it with help, then get out.
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