-Read through-
Money Isn't Enough:
Valerie says her husband David provides her with everything — except love and affection. David insists he is a good provider, even though he can't say "I love you."
Valerie: We don't talk or touch and I have recently moved to another bedroom. It's just not the way it's supposed to be. David is a wonderful father. His children are his life. But he's not able to be that way with me. We will not last much longer if things don't change.
David: I can never tell my wife I love her, because nobody ever said it to me when I was growing up. I never knew what love was. I feel like I never had it ... I can't be passionate or intimate. We've been separated twice.
Dr. Phil: Are you confused about what your role should be?
David: I didn't think I was confused, but since it isn't working, I obviously must be confused about the role I'm playing ... I think I'm supposed to be keeping the marriage vows, being there for my wife, and leading the direction of the family.
Dr. Phil: How are you doing?
David: Not too good ... What I'm doing is running my marriage like I run the business: I'm the boss. I have good rules and I have a good benefits program.
Dr. Phil: [Patting David on the arm] We need to talk ... This show is not about relationships. That's why I don't have your wife sitting next to you right now. This is about you and your role in the family, and I have very strong views about what that ought to be.
David tells Dr. Phil that he knows he should be more affectionate but doesn't know how. He admits that he is waiting for his wife to be nice to him so he can be nice back and hopes she can "teach" him how to be more loving.
Dr. Phil: I wasn't real plugged in when I was married. I was a workaholic and my wife took me by the hand — sometimes by the ear — and said, "Look, you're not going to be a jerk. You're going to learn to be plugged in." I'm so glad she did. She taught me that very patiently. But most people don't have that kind of blessing that I found in her. So I'm going to tell you it's your job. This isn't about Valerie and what she does or doesn't do. You have a job to do and if you do it, you're going to be at peace with yourself and everything else is going to start falling in line for you.
Dr. Phil explains that there are types of currency that David should be providing that have nothing to do with money:
psychological, emotional, spiritual and familial.
Dr. Phil: What would happen if all of a sudden you said, "I'm not waiting for Valerie to do anything. My job is to sit down and ask myself every morning, 'What can I do today to create income for my family emotionally, spiritually and physically?'"
David: I think the environment in our home would change dramatically. My wife would be more receptive to me ... and it would feel really great.
Dr. Phil: What would it mean to you if you knew that you created that as the leader of the family?
David: It would make me feel very powerful ... and at peace ... I would give my money away because that is really what I want.
Dr. Phil: You don't have to give your money away. You just need to add that definition to the different kinds of currency [you provide].
Dr. Phil: Another job you have is to be a protector. What do you think of when I say protector?
David: Keeping my family safe. Not letting other people hurt them.
Dr. Phil: You've got that part of it right. But you're probably starting to realize that there are multiple dimensions to these things. You also have to protect their self-esteem, sense of security, belonging and well-being. The person most equipped to tear that down is you, because you have access to them. They love you and value your opinion ...
You don't have to have your partner participate in order to make huge differences in your relationship. This is all about you. The bad news is, you can't lay any of this off on your wife, parents or children. The good news is, the only person you need access to in order to change this is you. You just need to broaden your definition of success as a man.
Vengeful and Scared?Caught in the Headlines?Ready to Cut Ties with Your Family?Embarrassed of Your Rude Family Member?Have You Been Stabbed in the Back?In a Love Triangle?Family Business Chaos?Friend or Family Member Your Worst Enemy?Accused of Something Horrible? Huge Family Drama?Infidelity Destroy Your Marriage? Raising Your Teen's Child? Husband Obsessed with Your Appearance?Undiagnosed Erectile Dysfunction?Spouse Won't Go to the Doctor?Does Your Lazy Husband Blame a Pain or Illness?Hate Going to the Doctor?Mystery Illness or Pain?
Dr. Phil: There was a day in my life that I believe I took the biggest single maturity step in my life. And let me tell you, I needed it. There was a time in my life and my marriage when everything was about me. If I was happy, why would anyone
else be concerned? What happened was, I was in my office with a patient, giving advice ... I was listening to this woman talk about getting in the car with her husband and just riding silently, not speaking to each other, and how lonely she felt in that car with her husband. In that moment I said, "I am not worth the powder to blow me to hell if my wife experiences that..."
I decided to expand my definition of success as a man to include the fact that I want my wife to be able to stand in a room with 1,000 other women, look around and know there isn't another woman there who gets treated better than her behind closed doors. I'm not saying that to pat myself on the back. I'm saying it to confess how off the mark I was. I should have been doing that from day one ... I can't tell you how it felt the first night I went to bed knowing my wife hit the jackpot.
Later in the show, Valerie is taken from backstage where she was watching the show and is seated in the audience.
Dr. Phil: What do you want your life to be like with David?
Valerie: I want to be able to walk into a room of 1,000 people and say, "I got the best one"
Dr. Phil: Don't you give him high marks for being here?
Valerie: Absolutely.
Dr. Phil encourages her to come on stage and give her husband a hug. Valerie embraces and kisses David while the audience
No comments:
Post a Comment